My parents are of different faith backgrounds, my mother a Catholic, and my father a protestant. Religious differences within the family can sometimes cause problems. Nonetheless, both Christian traditions helped build a foundation in my belief in God growing up. Ultimately, this was good for my spiritual life. But, the formation I received was not enough for me to feel like God needed to be at the center of my life. I was easily swayed into desiring things of the world that were pulling me away from God. This was due to my limited understanding of my faith. My concept of God was that he was a supernatural being that created us and loved us. When I was younger I did feel like God was watching over me, but I did not feel obligated to pray daily or have a church community.
Aside from this, the Catholic church’s dogmas, doctrines, and routine during service felt too old school. So after I was confirmed into the Catholic church, I also mentally said my goodbye to the Catholic church. I felt like “I did my time, and now I can move on with my life.” I didn’t feel like I needed the church. After all, I felt that organized religion was a scam, and I thought that God simply just watched me from afar, and didn’t ask anything of me. As life went on in the next two years after my confirmation, I experimented with a lot of things that my friends told me were going to make me happy.
But after doing this I was left spiritually empty. The sensation that I was missing something was omnipresent in my day-to-day life. I felt like I had a hole in my heart that was only getting bigger daily. I didn’t realize this until later in life, but the Holy Spirit was always working on me. Even in the times that I was furthest from God, he was with me.
While I was a senior in high school. I rode the bus to get to school, which also happened to pass by my former home parish every day. For whatever reason, my eyes were often drawn to the doors of the church every time we drove by. Occasionally, I would through habit, do the sign of the cross as we drove by. But I would sign myself in secret, as I thought others would judge me for holding on to this Catholic tradition.
On one specific occasion, it was a cloudy day and I was particularly filled with sadness. As I mentioned in an earlier paragraph, I felt like there was a hole in my heart, and none of the things that were supposed to make me happy were working. On this morning something changed, “well if nothing else is making me happy, maybe I missed something here,” I thought while looking at the church.
This moment nurtured a feeling within me. I felt called to give the church another chance. Furthermore, even though I did not know the significance of the sacrament of reconciliation at that time, I felt called to go to confession.
The following Saturday, I stood in line waiting for my turn to talk to the priest. As I waited, I looked out into the large church with its wide center aisle, and old pews that creaked when people sat down to pray. I gazed at the image of the man nailed to the cross at the opposite side of the church. I wondered if Jesus wanted something from me.
As the line grew shorter, I awkwardly examined my conscience with a website I found online, and reasoned whether some action I did was a sin or not. The line got shorter and eventually it was my turn.
While in confession, I told the priest my sins and asked him for guidance regarding my spiritual emptiness. At this time, I also realized that I didn’t even know myself, which I made known to the priest. I surmised this was a symptom of my emptiness, and an after effect of my attempt to fill my life with superficial pleasures and worldly values. The priest sat there quietly listening, looking at me intently, his purple stole dangling to the ground, as my voice occupied the room.
When I finished speaking, I feared that all I would get from this priest was judgement and a hard reprimand for how immoral I was living up until that point. However, I received the opposite. He simply counseled me about my sins. He gave me guidance on how to be better and replace sin with virtue. About my lack of self-identity, he said this: “If you want to find yourself, you need to seek Jesus first. You will find yourself along the way.” At this moment, those words were forever etched onto my heart. This was the moment that ignited my faith journey. The priest then gave me absolution, a penance, and I was off on my search for truth.
Since this experience in 2012, I have had my good and bad seasons of faith. One serious lapse in faith happened between mid 2016 and early 2020. This, in part, is another reason for naming this blog Vagabond Catholic. A Vagabond is someone who wanders. I have identified periods of time, whether its in the short-term or long-term, where I have strayed from the path God wants me to be on. But as I have realized before, God never abandons his flock, which includes me and you.
God is always trying to catch our attention. The story of the burning bush comes to mind, ” . . . Moses looked; there was the bush blazing, but the bush was not being burnt up. Moses said, ‘I must go across and see this strange sight, and why the bush is not being burnt up. When Yahweh saw him going across to look, God called to him from the middle of the bush. ‘Moses, Moses!’ he said. ‘Here I am,’ he answered” (Exodus 3:2-4). Here God is calling out to Moses, hoping that Moses will notice him. God is always working on us, and hoping that we will answer his call to get to know him.
God is truly omnipresent in our lives, but sometimes we are the ones who don’t take notice of him. God sends us our own version of the burning bush, though it may not be as dramatic as it was for Moses. God spoke to me every day the school bus drove by my local parish. But, I was so blind that it took me years to draw my attention to the doors of the church as I went to and from school. Eventually, I felt the tug on my soul. It was God saying, “Here I am.”
Life has been quite the journey since then, with my faith often in seasons of desolation and consolation. Nonetheless, here I am. Just a sinner trying to get things right and praying that I may be a good servant of God. Thanks for reading!